It would seem that without knowing it most of the population of this planet are addicted to one thing or another or alternately dependent on something which in my opinion, is addiction.
Oh no, do not be offended, I am not saying that you are all weak and pitiful, that you are easily led sheeple mutely wandering around the big paddock of existence. Well, actually I am and I make no apology for it!
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. If I wasn't so fantastic at being an evil overlord and thus completely devoid of sympathy or care then I would...er.....be.
That didn't quite come out the way I had hoped, that is the trouble when you do these things on the fly.
Anyway, why are humans so easily addicted to things? Drugs, alcohol, expensive lifestyles, cheese....... Oh yes i know some of you are.
I cannot understand it. I am guessing that since I do not actually need to consume anything it makes it easier for me to refrain from addiction, I am powered by my fluff and my undending malice and hatred of all things. Solar power is nothing compared to this unending fuel source.
In absolute truth, and I do like absolutes, I am glad that you are all pathetic mewling cretins as it makes your subjagation so much more easy. There is nothing you can do to stop me brainwashing you all. Whether it be through bribes of chocolate, coffee, high end fashion shoes, V8 commodores or dolmades made by an old greek woman from a secret recipe everyone has their weakness that I will explot! bwha ha ha!
You will be my minions yet, don't you forget it.
I'm going now, if I don't watch Dr.Phil while eating cabbage rolls I go nuts.
Your Emperor
Vorgal
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Leadership
As I am sure you are aware, not all are fit to lead. Only a very few individuals have the required charisma, intelligence and ruthlessness to successfully lead the population of snivelling turds that surrounds us.
It should come as no surprise that I, Vorgal am fit to lead.
You may ask the question why am I telling you this? What goal is accomplished by telling us the blinding obvious truth, that Vorgal is the rightful supreme commander of everything?
Because sometimes you decide to hold something you call an election, without my consent I might add. In this election you choose what leader you want.
What a quaint notion, actually having a choice.
The only choice is Vorgal and there fore there is no choice, choice is irrelevent because there is only one candidate.
And He knows that he is the only one fit to lead you.
Can you imagine what would happen if someone else were in charge.
"Hmm okay, now we need to do something, err, I'm not sure what so let's have a meeting and talk about it."
GAh! Pointless discussion that could be spent making the buildings I desire to be built, hours spent in chit chat when stone must be quarried and poems describing my greatness need to be penned.
You have a role peons, that role is to serve me, if you do not like it. Bad luck because I Vorgal, elect myself in an electorate of one to be the Democratically voted Supreme Leader for Life!
Fetch me my fluff comb peasants.
It should come as no surprise that I, Vorgal am fit to lead.
You may ask the question why am I telling you this? What goal is accomplished by telling us the blinding obvious truth, that Vorgal is the rightful supreme commander of everything?
Because sometimes you decide to hold something you call an election, without my consent I might add. In this election you choose what leader you want.
What a quaint notion, actually having a choice.
The only choice is Vorgal and there fore there is no choice, choice is irrelevent because there is only one candidate.
And He knows that he is the only one fit to lead you.
Can you imagine what would happen if someone else were in charge.
"Hmm okay, now we need to do something, err, I'm not sure what so let's have a meeting and talk about it."
GAh! Pointless discussion that could be spent making the buildings I desire to be built, hours spent in chit chat when stone must be quarried and poems describing my greatness need to be penned.
You have a role peons, that role is to serve me, if you do not like it. Bad luck because I Vorgal, elect myself in an electorate of one to be the Democratically voted Supreme Leader for Life!
Fetch me my fluff comb peasants.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Hobbies for your Overlord
Recently I have begun to feel that there may be more to life than being a ruthless unforgiving Overlord. Oh, yes, I hear you saying it. "Lord Vorgal, we your loyal and terrified minions want nothing more than to cower at your fuzzy feet. Please do not deprive us of our one pleasure in life."
Well minions I am afraid to say that you will need to deal with it. I toil all day for you, commisioning ziggurats for you to build. Testing my whips on your bloody backs, making sure there is enough ground glass in your slop to keep you alert!
You ask for so much and give me so little in return.
Only the other day a minion dared to ask me for water after working a 48 hour shift at a furnace in a tin shed. Did I not give him shelter from the burning 43 degree heat outside? Did I not cover the windows with boards to prevent the light from hurting his weary eyes?
You will be happy to know that I saved us all the time of having him buried and used him as fuel for the furnace. I believe the popular term is "Resource management"
That furnace needs to keep burning, the water for my tea might get cold otherwise.....of course I don't drink tea as I have no mouth but I may evolve one at some stage.
Back to discussing my potential hobbies. Gardening comes to mind. There are all kinds of poisonous plants that I could grow, in addition to Jasmine of course, it smells lovely in the summer night air.
Alternatively I was going to take up weaving, a loom looks so similar to the medieval torture implements I collect that it might be fun. I have no idea what you are supposed to do with it. I assume it is something like insert minion into slot A, pull lever B. Collect sluice in jar C......I am not sure. Anyway, I have wasted too much time in my musing and must return to my work. My newest temple will not build itself you know.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
V Day
So, my number one spy informs me that it was recently V day. Why was I not informed?
You worthless cretins hold a day in my honour and do not even invite me to the grand parade?
Hold on.....what's that?
Ahem, I have just been told that V day stands for Valentines day....not as I had expected Vorgal day.
This comes as a dissapointment but I understand that my true magnificence has not yet been fully recognised as as such there may be instances where I am not awarded the full deification that I require.
[Sob] I didn't even get a flower.
You worthless cretins hold a day in my honour and do not even invite me to the grand parade?
Hold on.....what's that?
Ahem, I have just been told that V day stands for Valentines day....not as I had expected Vorgal day.
This comes as a dissapointment but I understand that my true magnificence has not yet been fully recognised as as such there may be instances where I am not awarded the full deification that I require.
[Sob] I didn't even get a flower.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Entertainment ratings
You humans seem fascinated with counting, assessing, auditing and checking the quality, condition and status of just about everything. While this means that I am able to find huge amounts of otherwise worthless work for my legions of slavishly loyal followers to do it does mean that at times you bring to my attention trivial inconsistencies in one thing or another.
The first thing that pops into my amazing brain is the requirement to classify that strange thing that you have designated "Entertainment".
As you would expect I have little leisure time as the righful ruler of the mulitverse and so have not fully explored this "leisure" that you seem to look forward to so much. You say that it relaxes you whereas I am not relaxed unless I am gloating over my dismembered enemies on the field of battle or a creche, doesn't really matter I guess.....
I digress again.
Everything that you do is rated for its content, violence, drugs, that bizarre subject of sex. Why you loutish gerbil wirtoz is this so?
I have two classifications for everything.
"Useful" or "To be disintergrated".
I make my own decision on what a particular object, event or situation will be catagorised as and then treat it appropriately. My own judgement is what I use to prevent accidental exposure to material which may or may not cause impaired judgement leading to gross stupidity.
It seems the people requiring such classifications by which to run their lives are already guilty of that in any case.
I classify them as the second of my two catagories.
I, Vorgal the omnipotent say
Make your own choice and live with open eyes
otherwise you might not see my visage on every billboard around you telling you what to choose and then you would end up in catagory two.
Stop reading and make me a pyramid.
The first thing that pops into my amazing brain is the requirement to classify that strange thing that you have designated "Entertainment".
As you would expect I have little leisure time as the righful ruler of the mulitverse and so have not fully explored this "leisure" that you seem to look forward to so much. You say that it relaxes you whereas I am not relaxed unless I am gloating over my dismembered enemies on the field of battle or a creche, doesn't really matter I guess.....
I digress again.
Everything that you do is rated for its content, violence, drugs, that bizarre subject of sex. Why you loutish gerbil wirtoz is this so?
I have two classifications for everything.
"Useful" or "To be disintergrated".
I make my own decision on what a particular object, event or situation will be catagorised as and then treat it appropriately. My own judgement is what I use to prevent accidental exposure to material which may or may not cause impaired judgement leading to gross stupidity.
It seems the people requiring such classifications by which to run their lives are already guilty of that in any case.
I classify them as the second of my two catagories.
I, Vorgal the omnipotent say
Make your own choice and live with open eyes
otherwise you might not see my visage on every billboard around you telling you what to choose and then you would end up in catagory two.
Stop reading and make me a pyramid.
Terrorism. A dictators opinion
Greetings snivelling subjects, it is I your benevolent and mighty leader. (PR team said to put the first part in.)
There is a lot of talk about this thing called terrorism, I Vorgal, in my infinite wisdom have decided to share my thoughts on this subject with you, the stupid seething masses.
Terrorism is a problem afflicting the world, in places all over the globe violence stops people from undertaking their daily worship of yours truly because they are afraid to go to the local ziggurat/pyramid/monolithic statue of me.
This presents a problem
The way I see it the ability to instigate terrorism is directly linked to the ability for self determination. People choose to hurt others, ergo it seems to me that the best way to combat terrorism is to take away all forms of choice. If this is done the only thing remaining is peace.
Apparently you all want this thing.
Peace will not of course be good for my small arms business, however, I have also cornered the market in flowers, mung beans and currently illegal marijuana smoking devices.
As a result, I Vorgal am prepared to make the change in preferred industry, one must move with the times after all.
I digress, as part of your side of the deal in achieving complete peace you will become my loyal, unswerving subjects, let's face it, it is not like you really have a choice.
These are your rights
Do as I say or I have you fed to my turbo sloths.
If you abide by these small but necessary restrictions I can promise you a world where terrorism does not exist.
It's okay, I am happy to do it. Your blind adulation is all the reward I need
regards
Vorgal the benevolent
There is a lot of talk about this thing called terrorism, I Vorgal, in my infinite wisdom have decided to share my thoughts on this subject with you, the stupid seething masses.
Terrorism is a problem afflicting the world, in places all over the globe violence stops people from undertaking their daily worship of yours truly because they are afraid to go to the local ziggurat/pyramid/monolithic statue of me.
This presents a problem
The way I see it the ability to instigate terrorism is directly linked to the ability for self determination. People choose to hurt others, ergo it seems to me that the best way to combat terrorism is to take away all forms of choice. If this is done the only thing remaining is peace.
Apparently you all want this thing.
Peace will not of course be good for my small arms business, however, I have also cornered the market in flowers, mung beans and currently illegal marijuana smoking devices.
As a result, I Vorgal am prepared to make the change in preferred industry, one must move with the times after all.
I digress, as part of your side of the deal in achieving complete peace you will become my loyal, unswerving subjects, let's face it, it is not like you really have a choice.
These are your rights
Do as I say or I have you fed to my turbo sloths.
If you abide by these small but necessary restrictions I can promise you a world where terrorism does not exist.
It's okay, I am happy to do it. Your blind adulation is all the reward I need
regards
Vorgal the benevolent
Monday, February 8, 2010
Global Warming
You are all whinging ninnies. The amount of times I have been spying upon you all using my crystal ball and I hear you complaining, "Er it's too cold, I can't wait until summer."
And then you protest about Global warming!
This is what I say to that.
Enjoy the chill while it lasts.
One day soon I am going to fire up the turbo-nuclear engines that my master engineering monkey has designed and implanted into the bowels of this wretched planet and shoot you all directly into the sun unless you cease your resistance and bow down before me!
That's right, I'll send you straight into the sun itself.
I of course will be untouched by the fiery conflaguration due to the protective abilities of my fluff, it absorbs sunlight and converts it into strawberry flavored milk.
Did you really think that stuff came from cows?
Bwah ha ha! You have been funding my evil research since 1982 you moronic toadstools!
So, there! You have been warned about what will happen.
I Vorgal, have foreseen it.
(Disclaimer: Vorgal is currently experiencing intermittent foresight and not all futures may be accurate. Vorgal industries accepts no responsibility for anything Lord Vorgal says. Neither does Vorgal as he is a plush toy)
And then you protest about Global warming!
This is what I say to that.
Enjoy the chill while it lasts.
One day soon I am going to fire up the turbo-nuclear engines that my master engineering monkey has designed and implanted into the bowels of this wretched planet and shoot you all directly into the sun unless you cease your resistance and bow down before me!
That's right, I'll send you straight into the sun itself.
I of course will be untouched by the fiery conflaguration due to the protective abilities of my fluff, it absorbs sunlight and converts it into strawberry flavored milk.
Did you really think that stuff came from cows?
Bwah ha ha! You have been funding my evil research since 1982 you moronic toadstools!
So, there! You have been warned about what will happen.
I Vorgal, have foreseen it.
(Disclaimer: Vorgal is currently experiencing intermittent foresight and not all futures may be accurate. Vorgal industries accepts no responsibility for anything Lord Vorgal says. Neither does Vorgal as he is a plush toy)
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