Leadership

As I am sure you are aware, not all are fit to lead. Only a very few individuals have the required charisma, intelligence and ruthlessness to successfully lead the population of snivelling turds that surrounds us.

It should come as no surprise that I, Vorgal am fit to lead.

You may ask the question why am I telling you this? What goal is accomplished by telling us the blinding obvious truth, that Vorgal is the rightful supreme commander of everything?

Because sometimes you decide to hold something you call an election, without my consent I might add. In this election you choose what leader you want.

What a quaint notion, actually having a choice.

The only choice is Vorgal and there fore there is no choice, choice is irrelevent because there is only one candidate.

And He knows that he is the only one fit to lead you.

Can you imagine what would happen if someone else were in charge.

"Hmm okay, now we need to do something, err, I'm not sure what so let's have a meeting and talk about it."

GAh! Pointless discussion that could be spent making the buildings I desire to be built, hours spent in chit chat when stone must be quarried and poems describing my greatness need to be penned.

You have a role peons, that role is to serve me, if you do not like it. Bad luck because I Vorgal, elect myself in an electorate of one to be the Democratically voted Supreme Leader for Life!

Fetch me my fluff comb peasants.

Hobbies for your Overlord

Recently I have begun to feel that there may be more to life than being a ruthless unforgiving Overlord. Oh, yes, I hear you saying it. "Lord Vorgal, we your loyal and terrified minions want nothing more than to cower at your fuzzy feet. Please do not deprive us of our one pleasure in life."

Well minions I am afraid to say that you will need to deal with it. I toil all day for you, commisioning ziggurats for you to build. Testing my whips on your bloody backs, making sure there is enough ground glass in your slop to keep you alert!

You ask for so much and give me so little in return.
Only the other day a minion dared to ask me for water after working a 48 hour shift at a furnace in a tin shed. Did I not give him shelter from the burning 43 degree heat outside? Did I not cover the windows with boards to prevent the light from hurting his weary eyes?
You will be happy to know that I saved us all the time of having him buried and used him as fuel for the furnace. I believe the popular term is "Resource management"

That furnace needs to keep burning, the water for my tea might get cold otherwise.....of course I don't drink tea as I have no mouth but I may evolve one at some stage.

Back to discussing my potential hobbies. Gardening comes to mind. There are all kinds of poisonous plants that I could grow, in addition to Jasmine of course, it smells lovely in the summer night air.

Alternatively I was going to take up weaving, a loom looks so similar to the medieval torture implements I collect that it might be fun. I have no idea what you are supposed to do with it. I assume it is something like insert minion into slot A, pull lever B. Collect sluice in jar C......I am not sure. Anyway, I have wasted too much time in my musing and must return to my work. My newest temple will not build itself you know.

V Day

So, my number one spy informs me that it was recently V day. Why was I not informed?

You worthless cretins hold a day in my honour and do not even invite me to the grand parade?

Hold on.....what's that?

Ahem, I have just been told that V day stands for Valentines day....not as I had expected Vorgal day.
This comes as a dissapointment but I understand that my true magnificence has not yet been fully recognised as as such there may be instances where I am not awarded the full deification that I require.

[Sob] I didn't even get a flower.

Entertainment ratings

You humans seem fascinated with counting, assessing, auditing and checking the quality, condition and status of just about everything. While this means that I am able to find huge amounts of otherwise worthless work for my legions of slavishly loyal followers to do it does mean that at times you bring to my attention trivial inconsistencies in one thing or another.

The first thing that pops into my amazing brain is the requirement to classify that strange thing that you have designated "Entertainment".

As you would expect I have little leisure time as the righful ruler of the mulitverse and so have not fully explored this "leisure" that you seem to look forward to so much. You say that it relaxes you whereas I am not relaxed unless I am gloating over my dismembered enemies on the field of battle or a creche, doesn't really matter I guess.....

I digress again.

Everything that you do is rated for its content, violence, drugs, that bizarre subject of sex. Why you loutish gerbil wirtoz is this so?

I have two classifications for everything.

"Useful" or "To be disintergrated".

I make my own decision on what a particular object, event or situation will be catagorised as and then treat it appropriately. My own judgement is what I use to prevent accidental exposure to material which may or may not cause impaired judgement leading to gross stupidity.

It seems the people requiring such classifications by which to run their lives are already guilty of that in any case.

I classify them as the second of my two catagories.

I, Vorgal the omnipotent say

Make your own choice and live with open eyes

otherwise you might not see my visage on every billboard around you telling you what to choose and then you would end up in catagory two.

Stop reading and make me a pyramid.

Terrorism. A dictators opinion

Greetings snivelling subjects, it is I your benevolent and mighty leader. (PR team said to put the first part in.)

There is a lot of talk about this thing called terrorism, I Vorgal, in my infinite wisdom have decided to share my thoughts on this subject with you, the stupid seething masses.

Terrorism is a problem afflicting the world, in places all over the globe violence stops people from undertaking their daily worship of yours truly because they are afraid to go to the local ziggurat/pyramid/monolithic statue of me.

This presents a problem

The way I see it the ability to instigate terrorism is directly linked to the ability for self determination. People choose to hurt others, ergo it seems to me that the best way to combat terrorism is to take away all forms of choice. If this is done the only thing remaining is peace.

Apparently you all want this thing.

Peace will not of course be good for my small arms business, however, I have also cornered the market in flowers, mung beans and currently illegal marijuana smoking devices.

As a result, I Vorgal am prepared to make the change in preferred industry, one must move with the times after all.

I digress, as part of your side of the deal in achieving complete peace you will become my loyal, unswerving subjects, let's face it, it is not like you really have a choice.

These are your rights

Do as I say or I have you fed to my turbo sloths.

If you abide by these small but necessary restrictions I can promise you a world where terrorism does not exist.

It's okay, I am happy to do it. Your blind adulation is all the reward I need

regards

Vorgal the benevolent

Global Warming

You are all whinging ninnies. The amount of times I have been spying upon you all using my crystal ball and I hear you complaining, "Er it's too cold, I can't wait until summer."

And then you protest about Global warming!

This is what I say to that.

Enjoy the chill while it lasts.

One day soon I am going to fire up the turbo-nuclear engines that my master engineering monkey has designed and implanted into the bowels of this wretched planet and shoot you all directly into the sun unless you cease your resistance and bow down before me!

That's right, I'll send you straight into the sun itself.

I of course will be untouched by the fiery conflaguration due to the protective abilities of my fluff, it absorbs sunlight and converts it into strawberry flavored milk.
Did you really think that stuff came from cows?

Bwah ha ha! You have been funding my evil research since 1982 you moronic toadstools!

So, there! You have been warned about what will happen.

I Vorgal, have foreseen it.

(Disclaimer: Vorgal is currently experiencing intermittent foresight and not all futures may be accurate. Vorgal industries accepts no responsibility for anything Lord Vorgal says. Neither does Vorgal as he is a plush toy)

Seven Deadly sins: Envy

Some lesser beings might indeed be possessed of this sin but not I, oh no. I am happy to praise my equals, to cheer them on and to push them to even greater heights. I am magnaminous, open minded and supportive.

Of course, no-one even comes close to my level of superiority so it is not something I have to worry about.

Underlings however, they need to learn not to try and rise above their station, to stay in the muck and filth where they belong. If someone gets to big for their boots they should be struck down before they are a threat to my position here at the top of the power pyramid, note to self. Have new pyramid built by Friday.

YES!

I am Vorgal and if you seek to topple me from my position, if you seek to be cuter than me, or smarter, or more handsome I will destroy you! All of you.

I take no joy in such instances of course as I am above petty spite but I did have to teach that Pik'n Chews a lesson when he started getting a fan club bigger than my own.
He begged and pleaded, then fought and raged,finally he mewled, yelped and screamed as I taught him that there can be only one cute yellow icon, not one more.

Spungebog is next.

Seven Deadly sins: Sloth

Bah! Of all of the sins the most heinous is without a doubt the sin of sloth.

That's right emo kid, I'm talking to you.
Get a haircut, a job and something akin to pants that fit!

Since I am Vorgal I do not require pants, nor clothing of any description as my lemon yellow fur prevents scruitiny of my impressive genitalia.

So what is your excuse for not working hard to spread the word of Vorgal? Too busy? Tired? Depressed?

Not my problem, what is my problem is that I ordered a new statue of me to be built yesterday and it is not completed yet.

They say Rome wasn't built in a day and you know why?
Because I wasn't in charge. If it were up to me Rome, the Pyramids of Giza and the Eifel Tower would have all been built before lunchtime oon monday.

Seven Deadly sins: Pride

You might say to me that pride comes before the fall. What the hell does that mean, does it mean that you find this so called "pride" before the beginning of march in the southern hemisphere? Does it mean that while running from a group of lions you will run directly off a cliff? I have no idea.

What I do know is that I am entirely justified in saying that I am better than any of you reading this. ALL OF YOU ARE BENEATH ME!

Strictly speaking this is not in itself true as I imagine very few of you readers are actually less than my height of 6 inches.

I digress, I would apologise but you are not worthy of it, so listen up you gibbering chicken heads.

Pride is essential to all those who wish to take over the world, moi included. Look at the efforts of all of your greatest leaders and idols, Napolean, George W Bush, Wacko Jacko!

None of these individuals would have reached the dizzying heights of fame they did without an overly inflated opinion of themselves.

That's right, I theorise that Pride is a lighter than air gas that allows one to float above the heights of the scrabbling plebian masses.

This is why my head is 200% larger than my body and therefore I have given you ample reason to bow down and obey me unquestionably.

Having a head full of lighter than air gas is however dangerous if you meet a person, designated hereafter as a "Prick" who decides to take it upon themselves to deflate your cranium and bring you back down to their bottom feeding levels.

Todays subliminal message: VORGAL FOR PRESIDENT

Seven Deadly sins: Wrath

Many of my minions believe that this is the sin to which I succumb the most. I however beg to differ.

The amount of rage that I feel when faced with my minions incompetence vastly outweighs the amount of rage that is inflicted upon them and their surroundings.
Ergo, I am not a wrathful Overlord, rather very kind and benevolent.

You are no doubt already aware of my kindly nature as I have provided pillow minions on which you can sit. Ignore the groaning, you are not really fat, the minion just needs to work a bit on his core strength. I hear pilates is good for that.

I think that to allow yourself to fall victim to your wrathful desires is entirely unproductive. A cold calculated plan which increases the strength of your iron grip on an individual, group, or society is much better for all.

For example.

One day I was riding my golden chariot through the local mall, several near mindless shoppers wandered into my path and caused my chariot to jump a little. I of course checked that there was no damage but I was dismayed to see that there was a blood splatter on one of the wheel rims.

Obviously I would have taken the money to clean the wheel from the idiot who had failed to remove herself from my path but she had succumbed to the pressure of a half ton chariot chassis dragging her across 200 metres of tiled floor.

I controlled my temper and only slew half a dozen onlookers with my ray gun before performing an admirable removal of self via stage right.

I waited until the day of the after xmas sales and just as all the peons flooded in the doors to buy a bargain I launched fifteen tactical nuclear missles at it. Destroying everything and everyone within a five mile radius. I then had a Zepplin float over and drop a flyers advertising for my "Become a minion" program. Delightful touch wouldn't you say?

Anyway, ta ta. I'll be in touch.

Seven Deadly Sins: Lust

Of all the sins there is one that has confounded me in my attempts to understand humanity.

Lust.

What is the need for you mammalian creatures to writhe like worms in mulch? Does it give you some kind of psychological advantage over others?
I have researched the biological repercussions of such actions extensively and I have found that the people who engage in such lustful activities often are unable to serve as effective minions for over 9 months, then, they demand extra rations to feed the new minion they have brought into the House of Vorgal!

The gall!

I myself have only experienced this phenomena on one occasion, when I fell into a fermenting barrel of schnapps while on a tour through a distillery I had comandeered to make ethanol for rocket fuel.

I found myself mysteriously attracted to an ugg boot that one of the attending minions was wearing.
I cannot say what it was about it. Normally I would not look twice at an Ugg boot but under the influence of that liquor I found it to be the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I may even have told it that it was the most beautiful snorzak in the cosmos.....no, I am not explaining what a snorzak is.

Still utterly discombobulated about this sin. More research is needed. I have ordered my Monkey commandos to capture all schnapps factories on the continent to provide me with stimulus for research

Seven Deadly sins: Gluttony

Regrettably my great intellect somewhat overshadows my physical proportions and menace.
At half a foot tall and being a plush toy I am admittedly not the most scary Overlord in existence.
However; my thought processes require a huge amount of energy and one way to get that energy, (besides the use of a a soul distilling machine) is through the consumption of huge amounts of food.

My cringing minions sometimes ask me.
"Oh great Vorgal, how do you stay so svelte?"

After I whip them liberally for being so casual with me I etch my response into their hides with my stylus.

Oh, you wanted to know what my response is? Well you can't have it. Go to Jenny Craig you fatties, Vorgal does not share his secrets. Suffice to say that I have a very carefully moderated lifestyle.

But I do like food. Taco's Nacho's Raw potato, roasted meats. Vegetable soups and other foods. All these help me to be the unparralelled genius I am today.

One day as I was supping on a bowl of vegetable soup a jester minion remarked.
"Oh Lord Vorgal, you are what you eat!"

I had him flayed, drawn and quarted immediately of course but his words struck truth in the same way my boiling soup had struck him in the face.

Maybe the best food to eat is what you want to be.

Starting from next week I am only eating world leaders.

I only hope there is enough for a meal.

The Seven deadly sins. Greed

It is I, Vorgal. You may have read the title and are thinking, Sins? Vorgal, great and hallowed be his name does not sin, he is above it, indeed he is excluded from it by virtue of his cute soft fluffy fur!

Alas dear reader, although I am both lemon yellow and fluffy I have been guilty of sin, guilty maybe of all of them at one stage in my epic life or another.

Greed. The desire for something that is more than you require? Of all sins it may be this one that called to me first.
Do I need another hundred thousand minions to do my every bidding? Do I need another monolithic statue erected in my glorious name?

Maybe not but think of the options if it were not so......

Unemployment is rife in todays society. Across this useless dust bowl of a planet people are unable to find work with which to occupy their time. They turn to crime, they turn to Jeebers, they turn to drugs and other unsavory things which may impede their already undeveloped brain function.
I give them purpose.

Why they other day I was talking to minion number ur88324989b.
Our delightful conversation went something like this.
"Minion what are you doing?"
"Please don't hurt me great Vorgal, I am but grime underneath your soft fuzzy foot."
"Bah, stop grovelling like that, report to your commanding Penguin and build me a monolithic statue by tomorrow!"
"Oh Yes oh mighty one, thank you for sparing me."

I know, you are surprised I did not immediately disintergrate him and his entire extended family but that is the truth of Vorgal. I am a generous creature.

Without my influence that minion could have got a job as an accountant or a lawyer. An overpaid know it all contributing to his own bank account above the good of all.

I have sinned and shown greed in my want of more statues and minions but at the end of the day, when I am sipping on a Pinacolada in the shade of the newest monolith I can rest assured knowing that I VORGAL!!!!!

made the world a little better.

I am Vorgal!

Yes, this is for all of you mere minions out there frittering away your life's energies wasting time looking on the web for somthing......who knows what!

Well stop looking cretins, this is what you were looking for, ME! The great lord Vorgal, experience the joy of my many personalities and witness the world as I do. In glorious Vorgalscope vision!

In all seriousness you should probably have stopped reading by now or else you are one of the below.
1. Interested in the poignant information I have to share
2. Too apathetic to type something else in the menu bar
3. Gaffa taped to your chair by one of my elite Monkey comandos
4. Suffering from a heart attack and are unable to get to the phone to call for help...oh you can but try my pretties.

So. Enjoy, and remember. A day without Vorgal is like a day without food.